Some Punny Thoughts:

  • Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it...
  • Save this one for when you get pizza. Would you like to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind- its too cheesy!...
  • The next time you meet somebody named Kate ask if they have a twin named Duplikate?
  • Generally- all generalizations are false...
  • Does anyone ever spiral into control?
  • I Once Entered A Pun Contest That Allowed Ten Submissions. I Was Sure That At Least One Of Them Would Win The Prize. Unfortunately- No Pun In Ten Did...
  • The Secrecy Of My Job Prevents Me From Knowing What I Am Doing...
  • Can You Name The Four Food Groups?? Fast- Frozen - Canned & Take-Out
  • Why did the chicken cross the road roll around in the dirt and come back across? Because he’s a dirty double-crosser.
  • Did you hear about the impending merger between the two delivery carriers- United Parcels Service and Federal-Express. The deal never made it through when they heard the new name of FED-UPS.
  • I can name the capital of ALL 50 states in under 5 seconds (wait for it) Washington D.C.
  • My friend got a job at the bakery. He kneads the dough. 
  • I was driving behind a magician the other day - when suddenly he turned his car into a driveway!
  • I wrote a review for a pair of underwear yesterday.  It was brief. 
  • Parking a car doesn't need much space. But parking 10 cars? That needs a lot. 
  • 7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.
  • If you don't know what a human cloning machine does- it makes two of us.
  • Nostalgia Sure isn't what it used to be.
  • Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer? No pressure...
  • To the guy that invented zero...Thanks for nothing.
  • Why aren't iPhone chargers called apple juice?
  • Bumped my head on a low bridge yesterday. Would have been ok if viaduct.
  • When someone calls you a nobody - just remember... nobody is perfect!
  • I've said it before and I'll say it again - I love to reiterate.
  • I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
  • A word is worth 1/1000th of a picture.
  • I'm an optimist ...at least I think so...
  • In the future, everyone will be older.
  • Tired? There's a nap for that...
  • Air conditioning? Not a fan...
  • I applied to join the x-men recently - and when professor X asked me what my superpower was - I said `hindsight`.  He said `that's not going to help us` and I said `yes, I see that now.`
  • After days of backbreaking excavation work with nothing to show for it - an archaeologist discovered a neanderthal leg bone sticking out of the dirt. His colleague got very excited and went over to help - then another archaeologist- and another. It turned out to be quite a shindig...
  • Most of the lies I tell aren't even true...
  • Currently reading a book on Dentistry by Phil McAvity...
  • If the devil ever loses his hair - there will be hell toupee...
  • Not all math puns are bad Just sum...
  • I had amnesia once - maybe twice...
  • I hate circles. They're pointless...
  • Last year I took a visual design class... ...and our final exam was to design a fireworks display. I passed with flying colors...
  • Green is my favorite color. I like it better than blue and yellow combined...

 

 Puns for camping:

  • I don't like damp things For the moist part...
  • Trail mix? You mean M&Ms with obstacles...
  • I went camping recently. It was intense.
  • I went fishing today. It was reel fun. 
  • I really hate campfires... Just Kindling.
  • I once carried a fawn to safety. It's a memory I hold deer.

 

Jokes:

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
 
I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around.  In fact, more than you.  I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.  I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
Dang, autocorrect.  I meant "wifi", not "wife". 

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.  "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT," said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

 

Knock Knock Jokes:

  • Knock Knock.- Who’S There? Panther. Panther Who? Panther No Panth- I’M Goin’ Thwimmin’!
  • Knock knock - Who's there? Madame! Madame Who? Madame's foot caught in the door!